Lately I have been behaving badly, and not in a good way. I don't know what to do with myself. I am so worried about this semester, and I feel stressed out, and poor, and frumpy - because I am poor, and cannot even afford a goddamn haircut right now. I keep cutting my own bangs, and I look like a 15-year-old who maybe likes the Ramones too much. But I try to squeeze all this down to a manageable size of closet monster, and I politely tell the monster to go fuck itself.
Whatever.
So on Saturday I went to the You Say Party! We Say Die! show. Or more accurately, the Controller Controller show, but really I went to see the opening act. They were wonderful. The gang of them were just so raucous and full of themselves and it was great. At one point, the lovely girl who is the main singer (and I think lyricist) informed the audience that she was really excited because her good friend was present who she hadn't seen in a while. As the next song started, she hopped down off the stage, and performed the song dancing face to face with this friend of hers, the two of them grinning and adorable.
So now I was kind of in love with the lead singer.
After her band had finished, I noticed her standing in front of M's and my table. I decided to offer to buy her a drink - a cool thing to do, I thought. So she accepted, and we went to the bar, and I bought her a g&t as requested. She introduced herself (Becky, adorable Becky; I love art girls). And then - I started to gush, to her growing bemusement: something about how her band reminded me of the B52s, but just to be clear, the early B52s, which is a
favourable comparison, because even though a lot of people think they are a novelty act or cheesy or something, they are really just incredibly good and original and these amazing performers - I mean, especially if you ever see old footage of their performance of rock lobster on SNL...
(Oh my god, what am I blathering on about, why am I still talking, oh my god how do I stop...)
Then I ran away.
THEN - it gets better - I went back after ten minutes, interrupted her conversation with her old friend, and APOLOGIZED, in case she was insulted by my comparison. Because comparisons are odious. And she sweetly patted my arm and reassured me the she loves the B52s.
Why am I so deranged?
I also had a horrid presentation to do for my class on Problems in African Development, or whatever it's called. The prof held up a paper warning
3 minutes left when I was just finishing the introduction and winding up for my first topic. So I blurted out as many of the salient points as I could in the time remaining, while classmates looked confused or bored. A stellar performance which ended with me dropping my burning face to the desk as people politely applauded. Quickly followed by the prof taking fifteen minutes to go over all the things I failed to discuss, or had explained too poorly for people to understand.
I don't just look like I'm in highschool. I feel like it.
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Addendum: Actually, I think I felt cooler in highschool.
In highschool I (a)
went to parties - when was the last party I went to? besides boring wine and cheese type parties where people act old and sit around and discuss their sound equipment; (b)
had a band - described by the Montreal Mirror as "Screaming accompanied by random musical notes"; (c)
wore cool clothes (well, ok,
weird-ass is a more accurate description, but I
thought I looked cool, which is the other half of the battle); and (d)
believed I was destined for greatness. Now I don't think I even know what greatness even looks like. I am so far from feeling destined for greatness, I just worry about not disappearing